A gathering to mend the heart

I received this poster from my sister. I must say, the title is very close to my heart, as I am going through a journey so challenging that I question when will I see the light at the end of the tunnel. When will the rain stop.

The title of the poster carries a strong message. Trust me, no one is ever ready to admit that their hearts are broken. In fact, I myself find it difficult to swallow the fact that my heart is broken. But I realised that I am not the Shazwani I used to be. That brilliant, vibrant, full of energy and happiness is no longer the attributes the current Shazwani posses. The current Shazwani is full of anger, hate, bitterness with a couldn't-care-less attitude. I may seem cheerful, but deep down I am just that bitter person.

When did I realise this? It was when I begin to get angry, when I say angry, I refer to a person with an unbelievable temper. I would become very temperamental over the silliest thing, I get annoyed with my Husband from the things he does to the things he said, I become irritated with my kids. I become annoyed with people. Basically, I was like a volcano that is waiting to erupt.

I begin to lose myself. I was drifting away. I felt worthless.

The song titled Terasing by the late Sudirman sums up how I was feeling at that time.

Kegelisahan di dalam kedinginan Meniti sepi keseorangan Sebuah kematian yang tiada bernisan Sendu mengiringi perpisahan

Ruang nan luas, diri bergerak bebas Namun keupayaanku terbatas Segala mimpi menjadi api Perit membakar diri

Sebuah cinta dan harapan Menjadi debu berterbangan Tersekat nafasku, kabur pandangan mataku Amat tersiksa diriku kerna kehilanganmu Oh, mengapakah terus mengharap menanti? Walau cukup kusedari kau takkan kembali

Pemergianku mengisi permintaan Biarpun dikau masih kuperlukan...

In the context of my feelings at that moment, the loss of 'someone' referred to in the song is in actual fact the loss of my self-worth, my well-being, my character and everything that defines SHAZWANI ABD KARIM.

I don't know how to get out of this feeling. At that time, I felt if I were to reach out to anyone, I would be judged, that instead of pulling me out of the emotional cobweb, I become more tangled in it. As I am drifting away, I begin to forget to appreciate and enjoy the company of my husband and my kids.

Most people feel or think that my husband has something got to do with how I feel. Unfortunately, little did they know, I was struggling with my own demon, trying to make sense of everything, my temper has affected everything. I was just not happy with myself.

My test begin in 2013, when I was carrying my firstborn. I was out of job at that time and my husband was call for duty for long voyage. Here I am struggling with my pregnancy and a horrible morning sickness for a solid 3 months. No one was able to understand what I was going through as none of my siblings nor my late mother had ever gone through morning sickness. All I wished for was to have my husband around.

With only one income to fall back on, while so many huge-life-changing events were taking place at the same time, I just have to be strong. Planning was the most important thing at this time. Whatever financial issues were ironed out together. How to pay for our commitments, the arrival of the new baby, the installment to the new house, the management fees, all on one income, my husband's income. At the end, he did not have much to give me to let me splurge. Any extra money he makes on the vessel is kept for the arrival of the baby. Mind you, all these were done while he was at sea. We communicate through letters & photos of my pregnancy, as satellite phone call would put a deep hole in our pockets.

I learned to become thankful for whatever I have and when ever I go outings with my parents, I am also thankful for the outings. Hence my dad's gesture of making sure there is constant supply of the chocolate Mars (my cravings then) is very much appreciated. I remembered my dad telling my younger brother (as he was staying with us apart from my parents) not to touch the chocolate supply and that he would get a different set for my younger brother. That is how thoughtful my dad is.

Ever since then, my life was like a roller coaster. I was in an out of jobs for reasons, even if I were to reflect today, I can't find the exact answer. It is like I keep landing on the wrong job environment, either the work is too dull that it becomes a copy & paste submission kind of work, or a job where you are always belittled, on the pretext that you are not good. These belittling is so damaging to the extent you believe that you are not good, you have no skill. Eventually, you are not bothered to come up with good work, because no matter how you try, nothing is right. At this very moment, I am still searching for that satisfying job that gives me that sense of purpose.

I keep searching until I become frustrated. Frustrated with people, the system and everything that rule the working world. I begin to become judgmental. The frustration becomes even greater, when you were once at the peak of your career to only now be at the bottom. I once entered a courtroom too many times, that the judge remembers me and I require no introduction of who I am before I begin my case. I was once an employee whose ideas were seriously considered by my superiors. They wanted to hear my voice, my opinion and my strategy. I have always been praised for my work. "Good submission Shazwani!" "Well done!" "You don't need luck, you can do it!" those were statements by my mentor and an ex-boss. The trust I get from my mentor and ex-boss, made me ensure that I give the best. I don't have the heart to fail them because they trust me. Some may take this as stress, but it was my fuel to shine. I felt important and appreciated at work.

So, when my career suddenly crumbles upon me, and I see no way that I will again be at the peak, more so when I have other pressing matters to attend to like family, more importantly my firstborn needs (this requires a dedicated blog post) I become more frustrated than ever.

My husband, would always try to make me see the silver lining behind everything. He is very objective in his perspective. He would always reason out with me on why certain things happen the way it happens. I would feel peace at that moment and then when something comes up that triggers those thoughts, I would fall back into that cobweb. Getting out of it could take forever. This is not healthy for me and those that matters the most to me.

One day amidst of all these craziness, I came across a saying that says, there is no greater companion than Allah S.W.T. and that we are to submit to HIM and convey to HIM all our sorrows and sadness, for Allah is always there for HIS servants.

This struck me. Indeed, only Allah S.W.T is able to cure this heart and mend its broken parts. The Almighty is my creator and I am HIS creation. That said, who else is able to completely understand me, know my thoughts and emotions other than HIM, my Creator, the Most Merciful, the One Who listens to every plea, the One Who never disappoints, the One Who replaces every hardship with ease.

I have found my answer. Indeed Allah S.W.T is the best confidante and no one else.

Hence, I begin to look after my solah. I am not a pious person, I slack here and there, missing some of my solah, despite reminders by my husband to look after my solah. But, since I stumble upon that saying, I begin to look forward to every solah. I long for the session where I have private chats with my Creator, the One Who listens to every plea, at the end of my solah after reciting the beautiful dzikir that I have been chanting since I was exposed to solah during my childhood.

I felt closer to my Creator.

Despite that, I could not suppress this question, why am I where I am? Why can't I have a successful career and be where I used to be? (in the context of my career). Why did HE took away an ability from my first born? My inability to provide answers to these questions causes frustration. It breaks me.

So I attended this gathering with the hope, I could take home some pointers on how I can manage and overcome this broken heart of mine.

The moment I stepped into the hall, my heart experienced a sense of rush. The atmosphere, completely blew me away from all my sadness. I felt peace, I felt calm and I felt happy at that moment.

The gathering started with Ustaz Mizi's talk. I must say, Ustaz Mizi has this aura and style that makes you connect with his philosophy. I love how he applies the right intonation and the right stresses where it belongs.

Ustaz Mizi's talk is centered on understanding the purpose of one's pain and the art of embracing that pain. In a nutshell, he said that in every delay or detour of your life, there is always a blessing in it and that every detour, delay or pain you go through is in fact God's preparation to bring you to another level, a level better than the level where you are currently at. Hence, embrace the pain for, avoiding the pain will not emancipate you from the test, instead you will continue to be tested until you embrace it.

The most profound message that lies there in, is that: You are where you are because that is where Allah wants you to be.

This piece of advice brought me back to a write up which I came across on the internet sometime ago, which discussed something along the same line. It does not matter what test you are in or being tested for, for you will forever be tested of that very same test, until and unless you redha (concept of acceptance in Islam) with what is given by God.

On that note, I begin to try and look at every thing that has happened to my life, especially my career on a better light. I begin to understand why I am where I am. There is indeed a strong reason why my career is at where it is, for God has given me and my husband the greatest test of all. It is a test on our FAITH. Yes I said it, FAITH, because when I first received this test, the question that came into mind was "Why me?" This is also a test that would prove how far we would go to support each other, in weathering this test. It is also a test that waters our husband-wife relationship. Indeed it is the greatest test. So what is this great test? I will share this with you readers in another post. Insya Allah after this post.

Back to what I was saying earlier, although I begin to look at things more positively, that does not mean I am totally free from the emotional cobweb. There would be days when I would fall into that lousy negative feeling, but I do not brood on it anymore like I used to. Instead, I snap out of it much better. So how do I do this? Basically, I learn to live in the moment, be present in the moment (this is not easy, I am still learning), always find the hikmah behind everything that has happened, and to count my blessings, for Allah S.W.T never leave its beings without his blessings no matter how bad we have sinned.

Coupled together with a coping mechanism as what Ustazah Liyana Musfirah had spoken about in her session, the journey towards embracing the pain/ test is much easier. So what is this coping mechanism that Ustazah Liyana Musfirah spoke about? So here it goes. First and foremost, you have to embrace the pain that you are experiencing, because only upon embracing it, can you then ask yourself these 2 questions:

1. What do you need now?

2. What can you do to manage the situation/pain?

What ever you do for question No. 2 above, is known as coping mechanism. I gathered the following, as coping mechanism. However this list is not limited. One may expand to suit their very own coping needs.

1. Have private sessions with your Creator

Talk to your Creator and build that connection between you and your Creator. "When you have a heavy heart, let it pull you down to prostration"

2. Shift your focus

Shift your attention to other things that takes your mind of the pain. Sometimes, pain can fuel your success. Remember that it is the satan's work to play tricks with your minds, so that you are constantly drowned in that sadness.

3. Plan your goodness

Use the pain as your fuel that drives you to greater height.

4. Things to read (I super love these)

Surah Dhuha

Ayat Kursi

Sayyidul Istighfar

Salawat to the Prophet S.A.W.

99 Names of Allah (find the ones that you love the most or connect the most)

Dua' Nabi Yunus

5. Trust in HIS Mercy

I realise, when I embrace what is given to me and identify the hikmah behind everything that happens, I am more happier, calm and contend. I am able to manage my frustrations better. There will always be another storm that will rock the boat, but Insya Allah with what I have gathered from the session, the journey will be more bearable. I would also like to add that this journey is much easier with my soul mate i.e. my husband who is more receptive towards my emotions and my change in conduct and we would chat about it. Alhamdulillah.

I guess, it is the end of this post and I shall end this post with a Quranic ayat which says:

"And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to the patient ones.” (Quran 2:155)

"Verily, in the remembrance of God do hearts find rest.” (Quran 13:28)

Me & Ustazah Liyana Musfirah. She is an angel! I hope to meet her again.

Book signing session with Ustaz Mizi Wahid

Ustaz Mizi Wahid, my dad & me. Hope to see him and attend his talk sessions again.